Breathing In

I took my leave of the farm on Friday morning, with much emotion, knowing that it wasn't shalom (goodbye), but rather l'hitraot (see you again).

Nearly the whole community went out for Karayoke on Thursday night, which was a blast; four of us took our beards (such as they were) and turned the evening into "Mustache Night" (pictures soon)!

Friday morning was deeply emotional for me, and, I gather, for others in the group, too; they gave me a card which everyone had signed; the card was alternately hysterically funny and deeply moving. There were tears all around. I cried when I woke up, as we gathered for the morning announcements, as I did my last work on the farm, as I showered and shaved, as I pulled away in the car... It was an intense experience to leave Kayam, and I've been reflecting on that experience, too, for the last 48 hours or so.

I was very excited to reunite with Lys, Lev, and, today as we head to Eisner Camp where I'll serve on faculty for the next two weeks, with Ari. He's been up there for two weeks already. I am so psyched to be back with my family, period, full-stop. I've missed them tremendously, and some of the tears were tears of joy to be coming home.

And also, I felt like I was leaving another home as I drove down Mt. Gilead Road for the last time (for now).

I think, though, that many of the tears, much of the emotion I feel as I write these words, comes from a recognition, and acknowledgement, of how powerful this first part of my sabbatical has been. As I read the words of the silly/beautiful/touching/ego-boosting card, one of my most intense feelings was just how much I had already accomplished one of my primary goals for this sabbatical-- to breathe in.

I love my work as a rabbi- love it. I know that I'll be psyched to return in September. And one of the metaphors I thought about and used as I planned and spoke and wrote about the sabbatical in preparation is that the work I do involves lots of what feels like breathing out-- speaking, preaching, teaching, counselling, mentoring. It's deeply rewarding work-- don't get me wrong. I get so much out of all of those experiences; it's certainly NOT all give and no get.  That's not what I'm implying. When I teach, I learn. When I pastor, I grow. When I organize, I get my self interests met.But somehow, stepping away for a bit has given me the sense that this rabbinic calling metaphorically requires an intense amount of breathing out-- giving of my self emotionally, intellectually, spiritually, and so on.

What I couldn't possibly anticipate-- what I couldn't have known in advance having never been there or done that before-- was the extent to which these past six weeks would allow me to breathe in. I spent 6 weeks taking in learning, soaking in knowledge through my pores; being challenged intellectually in sustained, daily ways I haven't since my time at HUC.  I spent 6 weeks "letting the earth teach me Torah."I spent 6 weeks not being in charge. I spent 6 intensive weeks being renewed by the great, diverse community around me. I spent 6 weeks doing intense, sweaty, physical work, using and building muscles I didn't know I had, working harder physically on a daily basis than anytime in my life since at least Avodah 1987. I spent 6 weeks eating really really well and healthfully, with a diet consisting of at least 25% of things that I had been a part of planting, tending, and harvesting.

I breathed out carbon dioxide and breathed in oxygen, as I do every day of my life, thank God. But it felt different, somehow. I didn't really know what I needed as I began this sabbatical journey. And yet, my experiences at Kayam turned out to be deeply, meaningfully, exactly what I needed.

Have I mentioned that I really enjoyed my time at Kayam?

P.S. I intend this sabbatical blog to continue as I continue on this part of my life's journey. As I mentioned, today we head to camp, a place that has been a part of Lys and my annual renewal for 8 years now. I plan to write about that experience, as well, and then continue with the great road-trip Lys and I are planning with the boys. Keep reading!